How to spend $127 at Krystals.

I told The Stormin Mormon I would have to post about this, and it reminds me why I loved college.

Every year, I attend the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party where me and 80,000 of my closest friends gather to cheer on my boys, the Georgia Bulldogs. Tradition has it that on Game Day, we're up no later than 7:00 a.m., gather no later than 8:30 a.m., and we pop a top at 9:01 a.m. Because seriously y'all, if you start drinking at 9:00 a.m., you may have a problem. We start drinking all kinds of beer and then progress to liquor before the night is over.

Flashback to 2002.

In 2002, I was riding the high that was the Bulldog’s 2002 football season. Undefeated! When we entered Florida-Georgia, we were undefeated. After abiding by tradition, I had gone to the game. Unfortunately, there are not enough hiding places on the human body in which to stash various miniature bottles of liquor, and the National College Athletics Association has this thing about selling booze to underage kids, so inevitably, when the hidden booze runs out, one begins to sober up.

I was this one.

As I walked back to RV City, I was met by four drunk guys on the mule. M, Hank and Chippers are all in the mule. The German is passed out in the back. As I approached, I heard, I’m hongry and Let’s get like, seventeen hot dogs. I also heard, We need ffffffooooodddddd. Because apparently, the boys are helpless. And my personal favorite, slurred, Can you take us to get Krystals? We could take the mule. I love the mule. It’s awesome for RV City. It is not awesome, however, for the freeway, because it would never carry all five of us and it tops out at about 25. We find my car and bribe the guy in the lot to let me park again (without paying another $40.00 for parking) with the promises of a twelve pack and a Papa Johns Pizza.

I pull up to Krystals, drunk guys in tow. Before I can lock the child lock on the window, M manages to get about half of his upper body out of the window. Before the annoying speaker starts to talk, he says, I need 40 burgers. With pickles. And can I get a side of pickles? I start to flip out. Shut up! Get in the car! How am I the sober one?

All of the guys begin to order what they want at the same time. And then someone (and by someone, I mean Hank) yells: Can I get some Carmex so she don’t get chapped when my balls hit her chin?!

And the car went silent. I think I turned about 37 shades of red. And I don’t blush. I yell at the speaker: Just total up whatever you have, I’m driving around to the window!

When the drive through guy opened the window, I immediately apologized. No worries, miss. I’ve had a few fun cars tonight. I guess it’s because of the game. That’ll be $127.31.

I held out my hand and immediately had money slapped into it. I handed the guy the money, he handed me change (which I held for ransom) and the food. As he’s handing me extra napkins, the guy pulls out a chapstick and, with a smile on his face, says I don’t happen to have any Carmex, but I have a fresh chapstick if you need it.

I couldn’t help but laugh. To this day, I can't use Carmex.